I recently heard that former Alaska governor Sarah Palin is considering running for President of the United States in 2016. My first reaction to this news was that of celebration, as this would likely bring Tina Fey back to Saturday Night Live for sketches satirizing the former governor. And really, I was so in love with her performance in the last presidential election cycle that I actually voted for, as a write-in candidate, Tina Fey as Sarah Palin. This is a true story; I still have a picture of the ballot.
My second reaction to hearing the news of Sarah Palin possibly running in 2016 was one of joy, or at least as much joy as my depression allows me. I love Sarah Palin as a person. I don’t know her personally, but when has that ever stopped any average viewer from loving any celebrity they see on television? Exactly. That’s why I don’t let it stop me from developing a shallow sense of love for her.
Seriously, Sarah Palin is the person I want to be my next president. I want someone I like to be in that office. Okay, so people say she doesn’t know very much about anything, but neither do I and that’s very comforting. I don’t want someone smarter than me having that much power. If I can sit here at my laptop and conjure up ten ways to abuse the power of the presidency off the top of my head very quickly, I certainly don’t want a president with the ability to do the same thing. Or, at least, do it as well as I can.
Besides, intelligence is overrated once you get into politics. The most important qualities for a political candidate to have are charisma, an instinct on how to connect with people, and being able to exude enough compassion while lying to someone’s face so it seems as if the reason you’re telling them a lie is because you care about them. And this is why I love Sarah Palin; she’s a perfect candidate who embodies everything that would make her a good President of the United States:
- She has solid memorization skills, so she can remember all of her talking points and accurately tow the party line. I mean, the last thing Conservatives want is for someone like Sarah Palin to inadvertently say that she believes global warming is caused by all of the crap we shove up into the air on a daily basis.
- She says hilariously memorable things… maybe not intentionally hilarious, but still, they’re memorable and that’s something a good candidate needs. She needs to stay on the brain of registered voters just as a good Super Bowl ad stays on the brain of a guy drunk out of his ass but still able to recognize which team he’s supposed to yell for when they score. Not surprisingly, he’s probably the same person who would vote for Sarah Palin so she should probably take out a Super Bowl ad in 2016. That could help her chances.
- She does what everyone else tells her to do. You know, because the president has no real power anyway. The president is more like a glorified ambassador who makes threats to other countries when we need to start a war because we’ve built too many bombs and so we have to launch a few of them off somewhere. And imagine such a sweet face, like Sarah Palin’s, being the one making those threats. Those terrorists won’t know what hit them. In fact, they’ll likely be offended by what hit them because it came from a woman.
In closing, I have to say that I’m excited about even the possibility of Sarah Palin running for president. I certainly hope she does. And if she makes it all the way to the big dance of November 2016, I’ll certainly be voting for her.
Go Sarah! I love you from afar!