Am

I’m tired of thinking of life
as if it’s something that I’m in.
I’m not in life; never have been,
just as I’m not in love
and never have been. But I am love
and I am life, and I cannot be in
what I am.
What I am in is this world,
a world out of my control.
What I will leave,
someday,
is this world,
but I won’t leave life behind. I am life
and so life travels wherever I travel,
just as love travels wherever I travel.
In this physical world,
it is said we are made up of three parts:
soul,
mind,
and body.
But I am more than that,
and in fact, I am none of that.
I am not made up of parts. I am a whole.
I am whole love.
I am whole life.
I am whole light.
These are not parts of me,
for one part can only begin
where another part ends,
and no part of me has an end.
Love has no end.
Life has no end.
Light has no end.
So I am unending in all of this
that I am.
I am unending love.
I am unending life.
I am unending light.
I am unending. This is why,
of all the times I have thought about
killing myself,
the quiet, still moments I have thought
about ending my life,
deep down in my whole,
I knew this was not possible.
I can’t end what I am
because the unending has no end.
And what I really desire, anyway, is to be free
from that which does have end:
sadness,
pain,
despair.
Current emotion has end.
Sadness has end.
Pain has end.
Despair has end.
For a long time, I’ve desired to be
free.
But as I sit in the dark,
alone,
eyes closed,
I realize that there is no freedom
because there is no bondage
to that which has end.
So I appreciate sadness when it is with me.
I appreciate pain when it is with me.
I appreciate despair when it is with me.
These are my closest friends, who I learn from,
who I miss when they are not with me.
Misery doesn’t love company for misery cannot love,
but misery craves company
because misery never feels whole. Misery
can never feel whole as it is simply a state of being
that can end.
It is not what I am; it is simply what I can be in.
I can be in sadness.
I can be in pain.
I can be in despair.
I can choose to suffer when I forget what I am.
Or I can choose to see
that I can’t free myself
as I was never really in chains.

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12 thoughts on “Am

  1. This will touch people. And you are right. And I’m glad you have written this *smiles*

    ‘I can choose to suffer when I forget what I am.
    Or I can choose to see
    that I can’t free myself
    as I was never really in chains.’ – so true.

    – sonmi upon the Cloud

  2. Deep shit. Love how you untie your contradiction with emotions behind the way you play with words. And I am truly fascinated by how you portray yourself and your life to others! I understand how irritating it can be to be confused with your own thoughts and actions bcs they don’t sync at all times but it’s okay. That’s the beauty in life. 🙂 Keep writing!!!

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