Reboot: Twilight

It’s no secret that I love Twilight.

Okay, maybe it should be a secret, but it’s not.

While I’ve never read the books, I have seen the movies a few times each. And every time I see them, I marvel at the vampire and wolf battles, I swoon along with Bella as she is pursued by not one, but two guys who could possibly kill her, and by the end of it all, I’m thinking the exact same thing I’m guessing a lot of you out there are thinking: I can make Twilight better.

So in the spirit of all of the reboots Hollywood churns out, I’ve decided to come up with a list of key points concerning what I would do if I was given the opportunity to reboot the Twilight saga.

Vampires are vampires.
First of all, and most importantly, I would drop the sensitive, sparkly vampires that all fans of vampires know and despise. Edward wouldn’t be an ‘animal blood only,’ high school kid who falls in love with a girl named Bella. He would drink the blood of humans, like any normal vampire. He and his crew wouldn’t be hanging out in high school cafeterias, they would be hanging out at carnivals as if they were in The Lost Boys. And Edward wouldn’t be stalking Bella in a strange and creepy sort of way, he’d be stalking Bella in a strange and creepy sort of… okay, so that wouldn’t change.

No obvious teen angst.
Bella wouldn’t be the girl who thinks the world is ending or over just because she now lives in a place called Forks. She wouldn’t be the type of cliché withdrawn that has her pulling away from everyone except the characters we’re supposed to see her involved with. She would be a free spirit, an artist, someone who is drawn to the darkness in Edward because what’s in the light isn’t the only thing that’s interesting. This is why she’s also drawn to Jacob, but doesn’t initially know why. He presents himself as a good guy, something that should turn her off because there’s nothing interesting about a good guy. But she can sense something underneath the surface, a secret that Jacob will soon discover and won’t want her to see for fear that he could harm her.

Jacob would still be Jacob.
This is the one thing I think Twilight gets completely right: Jacob. I love you, man. Don’t ever change.

It’s raining men. Hallelujah!
If you’ve never seen the Twilight spoof Vampires Suck, at least check out the trailer below and watch for a scene of the wolf men dancing.

Did you catch it? Good. I find this particular scene in the movie to be pure, gut-busting hilarity. Why? Because it’s so true. Admit it. We all feel the gay vibe between the wolf men in the Twilight movies. So in my reboot of the franchise, they would totally be gay. All of them. In fact, Jacob would be like the black sheep (black wolf?) of the group in that he’s the only one who is not gay. Or at the very least, he’s bi.

Even so…
Still, and this is not an intentional slight against gay people (maybe accidental, but not intentional), the wolves would be shown as being just as monstrous as the vampires, but in their own way. In human form, the wolves would be peaceful, loving, and one with nature. However, when they transform into wolves so they can hunt and feed, that’s when their Mr. Hyde comes out. The animal instinct takes over and, although they normally hunt other animals for food, if a human happens to be in the way, they’ll go after the human. And they do kill humans in my reboot. That would be their curse, one they must learn to live with and attempt to keep from “normal” people, which is why the wolves separate themselves from society, especially when they’re older and begin to transform. And this is Edward’s argument to Bella against Jacob. “I can choose to not harm you. But if you’re around when he’s hunting, he will only look at you as his prey.”

The third faction.
In Twilight, there are three factions: good vampires, bad vampires, and wolves. But in my reboot, there’s no such thing as a good vampire, so the three factions would have to be: vampires, wolves, and zombies. C’mon, zombies are bacon; they make everything better.

Seriously, though, the zombies in my Twilight would be what happens to a human when a vampire doesn’t either kill them or change them, but instead leaves them in a sort of limbo, not fully reanimated, but not fully dead. A human can become a zombie if a vampire doesn’t get the job done, either accidentally or on purpose. And this plays into a basic outline of how my reboot would go. Like the first Twilight, a vampire and his girlfriend compete with Edward for Bella. When Edward kills the man, his girlfriend escapes and vows revenge. She assembles her crew to face Edward’s crew in a later story. When Edward is victorious yet again, with the help of the wolves who Bella has Jacob drag into the fight, killing the vengeful woman along the way, the new man in her life goes crazy and figures that the only way to take out Edward and the wolves is with a zombie army. So he goes off to create this army to bring against Edward’s crew.

Vampires aren’t the only ones with gifts.
Since becoming a vampire also gives the person a supernatural power, it’s pretty apparent that Twilight is ripping off an element of X-Men. So why not just bring one of the X-Men into Twilight? Yes, in my reboot, Hugh Jackman will play Wolverine in the Twilight films. He’ll be Bella’s high school art instructor who becomes concerned when she gets involved with both Edward and Jacob. He intervenes to protect her, but is ultimately faced with the notion that Bella has to make her own stupid mistakes in life. But even though she’s free to make those stupid mistakes, that doesn’t mean Wolvie can’t be there to kick some ass for her when she needs him and his adamantium claws.

The ending would not be pretty.
Remember that epic battle in Breaking Dawn that turned out to be a dream? Yeah, not happening here. When you have vampires, wolves, and zombies all going after each other, humans are going to die. Like, all of them. Yeah, the whole town of Forks is completely wiped out in the final battle when the zombies invade, the vampires and wolves defend, and then eventually the vampires and wolves go after each other once the zombies are gone. Through all of this, every living person in Forks will be killed. It’ll happen so fast, with so much panic, that no one can escape. In the end, the legend of Forks would be a tale not unlike the Roanoke mystery in which a whole town disappears and no one knows why, and the most frightening tales of what possibly happened are the stories that go around.

In fact, the very end of the series would have a teenage boy telling this legend to a group of people. As he finishes, an older version of Jacob places a hand on the boy’s shoulder and says, “Stop scaring the tourists, son.” Yes, Jacob and Bella have a son. Oh, did I mention…

Bella chooses Jacob as she always should have.
We all know those two crazy kids belong together. Seriously. In the history of great fictitious romances, it’s Romeo and Juliet, Beatrice and Benedict, Superman and Lois Lane, Rhett and Scarlet, Jack and Rose, Wesley and Buttercup, Gomez and Morticia, but not Edward and Bella. It’s totally Jacob and Bella. Everyone knows this. Jacob would not get stuck with falling in love with Bella’s baby. Seriously, how does Jacob go from wanting an older woman in Bella to skewing insanely into the realm of ‘extreme pedophile?’ So in my Twilight reboot, in the end, Bella chooses Jacob.

Or she chooses Alice. I’m not against the lesbian angle.


10 thoughts on “Reboot: Twilight

  1. I did read the books, and for the first time in my life I actually said the words: ‘the movies are much better’. Although I’m not a fan, I can see the appeal 🙂 You’re version seems much better! Less predictable, and just less rubbish 😉

  2. Oh my, I think you and I share the love of some of comedy camp as I loved the movie trailer and, especially the “gay wolf” scene. I read the Twilight books too, and thought they were pretty enjoyable. High art?no, but good fun.

    Oh and this, “He and his crew wouldn’t be hanging out in high school cafeterias, they would be hanging out at carnivals as if they were in The Lost Boys. ” Yes and yes! 😉

  3. If I would change something, it would be that Bella and Edward never have a baby. They would live their lives together forever and ever happily ever after.

    1. That’s a good change. 🙂

      Speaking of that, though, I think the baby situation wasn’t handled very well. At first, it was like Bella having Edward’s baby was a one-of-a-kind thing. Then we find out that other human/vampire couples have done it, making it not so special anymore.

  4. I love this! I haven’t actually watched all the Twilights. Or read any of the books. But I could still follow because I remember the first movie, and it’s sort of one of those things where everyone knows a bit about it. That Vampires Suck trailer was so funny, especially the dancing scene like you were saying. It made me smile. You know what, I did NOT know about the whole team Alice thing, and would never have thought about it! That would be so cool. I do intend to re-watch the Twilight movies that I have seen, and finish the series. When I do, I’ll keep in mind the Alice idea. BTW I just remember loving her haircut. That was, like, all I remember about her.

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