Curled up in deceptive thoughts
chilling a path through my soul.
One foot in, one foot out,
a captive audience with nowhere
to go but down.
It’s not fearlessness that wins the night
but hopelessness,
knowing the faces of the lashes coming,
knowing they can be taken,
knowing the day will dab the wounds dry.
But this night,
voices speak a truth I’m willing to admit,
a whisper of an unchanging lullaby
that puts me to sleep
and encourages dreams of feeling trapped
in an unchanging reality
as I inevitably wake to being trapped
in an unchanging reality.
And as the insanity of walking into
dead ends in all directions
amuses every observer, both the aware
and unaware alike,
angels dance all around
neglecting to see what’s underneath.
They smile their happy smiles
achieving a feat I cannot fathom.
And as my errotic fantasy plays
in my head,
a blessid image of the many ways
in which the breath of life can leave
my body, never to return,
the voices of angels and demons
sing their crescendo in unison
as they once again discover,
through me, the one point
on which both sides agree:
this world isn’t going to Hell;
it is Hell,
both when we wake
and when we sleep,
death is the ascension.
If only I could be offered just one taste,
just one drop to quench my longing.
But nay, I’m too nice to take advantage
of an easy road to selfishly begotten
spoils. I, instead, must be chosen.
But who can see the invisible?
Who can hear a cry without cries?
Maybe one day the tears will flow again.
Maybe one day the cries will be heard
once more
when they’re not so normal.
Maybe one day my voice will echo
a question, a struggle,
burned into my spirit:
“How can I be in life
if life itself
doesn’t want me in it?”
One foot in, one foot out,
a captive audience with nowhere
to go but down.
In hopelessness isn’t only
a lack of hope
to live,
but also a lack of hope
to die.
Suffering is optional, but pain
is eternal.
You’d think with practice
it would get easier.


5 thoughts on “Torment

    1. Don’t we all?

      I hope things aren’t too bad for you. If you’d like to talk to someone who has a notorious reputation of listening when someone talks, feel free to hit my Contact page. I’m never too busy. 🙂

      1. Haha- thank you and sorry if I sounded macabre. It was a sleepless night… as in literally not a wink of sleep. Up with my thoughts all night long… didn’t mean to sound melodramatic. Thank you

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